Five Year Slump

I have been clean and sober for five years, but that does not mean that I always have it dialed in. I am not quite sure what happened, but in the last 6 months, I stopped eating and stopped nourishing my soul. What an illusion of control I have had. I feel like I'm in control, never realizing that I'm really not. Now the food (or lack of it) is controlling my thoughts everyday, all day long. I can tell myself that it is a logical idea to eat. If I don't eat, I will die. But then my feelings and emotions boil over and tell me that I am a bad person if I eat. And if I do eat, then I am filled with shame and fear that one meal is going to make me fat. It is the hardest thing in the world to explain, because I don't understand it at all. It is difficult to put into words how my mind is working right now. But I want to get it out and share it with others, so that someone else might be helped through my struggles.